Wednesday, April 16, 2008

My New Persona

OK, I'm exhausted. This whole week of planning my big kid's birthday party has worn me down to a frazzle. So tonight, devoted blog readers, you get ONLY 15 minutes. And don't even try to start crying when that runs out. It will get you nowhere.

David Hooper, a guy I like to read, sent out a list of "Top 10 Mistakes Bands and Musicians Make." Who doesn't love Top 10 lists?

Here's the one that really cracked me up: Mistake #5, "Laying Everything On the Table"

You're a rockstar. Keep that fantasy. Don't tell people how broke you are, that you're still living with your mother, or anything else that breaks the image of you fans have in their minds.

One of the reasons people like music is because they have the opportunity to live vicariously through the people they are listening to. When you are on stage, they're up there with you. When you're on the road in your tour bus, they're riding shotgun. Don't take that away.

Give them insight into your life and what it's like in your world. However, be selective with the details. Always remember, you're selling music, but you're also selling a persona.


What the hell am I supposed to do with that one? Not let anyone know that I have two kids, that I spend a lot of time folding laundry, that I have virtually hundreds of CDs in my closet that I have no compunction about begging folks to buy? Although if Hooper says it, it must be true, so I've decided to create a new persona for myself. Instead of the sleep-deprived mom, I'm going to go for a more classic rock star path, the road-worn drug addict.

Help me out, willya?

Anyone wondering why I don't play out much around town? It's because I've been in rehab.

Want to know why I haven't gotten the attention I deserve from the industry? It's because my personal recklessness has made me too risky for the pros to deal with.

If anyone needs a reason to tell all of their friends about me and why I'm deserve a cult following, just pass on the lore about my wild side, the glam parties, the debauchery, the lengthy binges. It wouldn't be stretching the truth too much to talk about my house being trashed (don't mention the toys and Cheerios, of course), the high drama environment (spilt sippy cups and all), all-nighters (did someone say "breastmilk"?!!), and too much time on the road. It's all me. Forget about attachment parenting, trying to sneak pureed veggies into my kids' food, and spending an entire year shopping for the right Kindergarten--please just make up something negligent involving my kids, like dangling them over a balcony rail or driving around with no car seats. Better yet, say that I have four nannies and haven't even seen my kids since they were born. The fans LOVE that stuff!

Then, please send anyone you can find to CDBaby to buy my CD. Rehab's expensive!

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