The Amazing, Invisible Mama!

She was having a hard time. She was the mom of a 5 month old baby, and for the first time in a very long time, she wasn't sure that her work, her life, was valuable enough. This mama, who I will call Mama (actually, it is her real name!), posted on one of my favorite listservs, and I immediately knew I had to respond.

Here's part of her post:

"I have been struggling with the idea of my identity now that I am not working and letting my husband support me...I have always had female role models that worked and worked hard outside of the home. I don't really want that for myself (I think)...I know that I am working hard as a mom, but it just seems unfair for him that he has to be gone and at work so that we have the
luxury of having a family. Is this just the way it works and I need to get used to it? Seems so
domestic role-ish, which is not how I pictured my life being going into my thirties."


Here's what I told her. Some folks said they liked my response a lot, and the truth is, I liked it! So here you go, faithful blog readers:


Dear Mama,

I can totally relate to your struggle.I have a 5 y/o son and a 2 y/o daughter. I have been working for $ since I was a teenager and I really miss bringing home a paycheck for my work. I have been a full-time working mom and a part-timer work-at-home mom, and my
feeling is that, if you have kids, you always feel like a giant piece of taffy somehow.

The one thing I wanted to tell you is to be kind to yourself. Becoming a mom is a huge journey. Those tensions will keep...they're not going anywhere and you will both have time to reflect upon them and also relax into them as time goes on. Some days you will feel like a freeloader, other days like a complete badass who makes the world turn! I have a feeling that when it's time to go back to work, you will know it, and you will know what the right next step is.

You should know about about Marilyn Waring, who in the 1970s was elected to the New Zealand Parliament at the age of 22. She went on to work on a budgetary committee, in which capacity she learned all about the ways that countries calculate metrics like GDP and GNP. She
discovered that, all across the planet Earth, women's work is invisible, in an economic sense. She wrote some books, including one called, "If Women Counted," and she's now a public policy professor.

I bring this up because sometimes I feel like my work doesn't count, like I've fallen off the map of life somehow, because I don't go to a "job," and because my "customers" ignore and/or scream at me a lot. Because my work involves being patient and often, sitting on the floor, one could imagine that I eat bon bons all day. Though in reality, I work my tail off.

If you feel this way too, you have good reasons! A woman can work hard, producing goods, i.e., children who will become productive members of society, and performing services, like taking care of family members, helping neighbors, running the PTA, etc., and yet at the end of her life, she may be seen as a drain on the system because all of that work doesn't "count." I had a friend who had to go work at her husband's store so she could rack up some $ toward her Social
Security, because "all" she had done before that was raise three kids!

It's a crazy planet, this Earth! Our society is a giant funny mirror! We're all mixed up!

I loved reading the book "Parenting for a Peaceful World," by Dr. Robin Grille. Grille argues that, throughout history, every advancement in democracy, social justice, and better treatment of the
environment has been preceded by an improvement in the treatment of children. Reading this book reassured me, beyond doubt, that the work we do as parents is the most important work of all in the grand scheme.

I recommend that you spend some time thinking and maybe journaling about what would make you feel that your days are productive enough to "count." Especially since it doesn't seem like it's your DH who is complaining. You get to decide what "enough" looks like! You are the one who gets to find a million bucks in the smile of your little cutie-booty.

My Open Letter to Dr. Laura

NOTE: I love listening to Dr. Laura Schlesinger. She's entertaining, and she makes me think. Sometimes she's sweet, sometimes she's shockingly judgmental and abrasive. She stands up for motherhood, and all moms need more of that, even if Dr. Laura has some pretty strict rules about what good moms do.

But one thing that's been bothering me for awhile is the way she slams feminists. Because it has occurred to me that she is, um, a feminist. And if you ask me, she's both ungrateful and a little hypocritical.

So I wrote her a letter. Her website only allows 3000 characters, so I had to keep it as brief as I could (I actually had a lot more to say). I don't expect her to respond, and she hasn't. I think I raised some good questions.


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Dear Dr. Laura,

I have been a listener of your radio show for a decade or more. I am grateful for the insight you provide about family life, I admire your advocacy for children. For example, the other day, you spoke glowingly about the benefits of breastfeeding, and it warmed my heart, since breastfeeding mothers are often under attack in American society. Thank you very much for doing that.

I hope it's okay to say that I don't always agree with you. Sometimes I have a hard time seeing myself in your generalizations. My husband doesn't fit your stereotypes about men. I am devoted to my family, yet I think of myself as a feminist, although one who doesn't behave the way the feminists you describe do.

In fact, sometimes it seems like even YOU don't even fit your own stereotypes about women. It's funny, because I think of you as a feminist!

I know you don't think much of feminists, but did you have any idea that if there had never been a feminist, you would be known as "Mrs. Laura," not "Dr. Laura," since feminists paved the way for women to pursue higher education? Before the feminist movement of the late 19th century, leading physicians promoted the idea that advanced study would siphon valuable blood away from the reproductive organs and toward the brain, rendering women sterile. Without the women pioneers who were the "firsts" at leading universities and in fields traditionally limited to men (especially scientific areas such as Physiology), such views would prevail today.

Did you know that without feminists, there wouldn't be any coeducational institutions, and you wouldn't be able to tout your Ph.D. from Columbia University?

Did you know that without feminists, you wouldn't be able to get a bank account in your own name, own property, or publish a book? Did you know that you'd have a hard time getting your own radio show because the proper place for a woman was in the home, not influencing public opinion?

I know you said not to bother writing if I don't agree with your views about feminists. But I had to. I've been wanting to ask you these questions for years. It seems like you have exploited the gains of feminists, yet your appeal to your listeners rests largely on criticizing them.

I call myself a feminist, but I'm not like the feminists of the 1960s. I don't hate men. Although I work for my husband now, I have stayed at home with my child, and I am a very devoted mother. I truly respect the right of every woman to attempt to strike the right balance between doing right by her family and pursuing work that's meaningful. Finding that balance is HARD, especially if you've worked to develop yourself prior to having children. You make it sound so easy, as if just vilifying the women who have attempted to try a new way will make the tension go away. But it doesn't.

I'm out of space. Thanks again for the work you do to honor and dignify mothers. Keep it up!

Sincerely,
Tricia